If you are a regular follower of the Pit Blog, and we appear to have a few now, you will know that some of my stories are short, some are long and some are just plain tall. But none of my stories are quite so short and long and tall as the story of the Onion Monster.
The story of the Onion Monster is, in fact, a true story. Yes, I may have changed a few names to protect the innocent and also exaggerated certain points for dramatic effect. Also, where my memory is failing me slightly, certain parts of the story might not flow too well as I cannot remember exact times and locations. But despite the fact that what you read here and what actually happened might not be related at all, it is still a true story.
It all started one sunny summer Sunday morning, the moonlight glistened off the stars in the wintry night sky and an Autumn breeze whistled through the trees that lined Old Palmers Row.It was cold that Saturday afternoon and we were all huddled around the open log fire when Chris Van Leer suggested we should have a little tipple to warm us up. "A tipple sounds like a marvellous idea!" Said Steven Van Leer, the notorious town drunk and brother to the unfortunate Chris. Chris said, "It is decided then, Kelvin and I shall ride the perilous journey to town, visit ye Old Costy Cutterer Tavern and purchase some of their finest alcoholic beverage!"
We stepped out into the clear night air. The clouds hung low and the sun shone through the April shower that dampened both our summer clothes and our spirits. Chris turned to close the heavy wooden door of his humble abode. Shutting in the warmth for Steven and his wench.
Palmers Row was an old dirt track made of gravel and asphalt. Not that you could see it with three feet of snow on the ground. Fortunately there was no snow on this bright summer evening, only the leaves that come with Autumn and the thin veil of snow on the ground that was around three feet deep. Chris looked deep into my eyes and said sincerely, "We need to be wary this time of year. For it is nights like this that the Onion Monster may strike!"
I looked back at Chris. He was a handsome fellow despite his head looking like a reject Jellybean. His huge bushy beard flowed down from his clean shaven chin, and his bald head glistened in the moonlight under his mass of hair. "I see." I said, not seeing at all, "I will be most vigilant!"
We did up the buttons on our Tee shirts and trudged through the snow to the main road beyond the Old Palmers Row.
"You brought your keys, didn't you?" Said Chris. "'Course." Said I, unlocking the car and hopping into the drivers seat. Chris jumped into the passenger seat and we were off into town. When we returned, there it was.
"What's that?" I enquired as we turned in to the road from which we had collected the vehicle. "I don't know!" Said Chris, straining to see. In front of us, in what should have been the empty spot where our car was parked, was a small white object. "Should I run it over?" I asked. Chris shrugged, "Sure, why not?"There was a splat as we hit the object but the car had no ill effects. We parked and opened the doors to be hit by the stench of onions! "I think I know what we hit!" Smirked Chris. "Why would an onion be trying to cross the road?" I wondered aloud. "To get to the other side." said Chris.
We didn't know it as we skipped happily down Palmers Row to the home we never called Space Pod Five, but we had awoken the Onion Monster.
To be continued...
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